"Putting yourself out there". It is hard and sometimes when you do it, the person on the receiving end is worried by the intensity, the honesty... that it might be too much. "Out on a limb".. how true. You're alone out there until someone helps you down, joins you even. When I say "I love you" I am out on that limb.. high up and looking down.. only at that moment remembering I am scared of heights.
And when I am so honest, when I am so blunt, it is because I hold it in most days. Taught early on that if you feel strongly about someone, you're probably going to crowd them. Taught that love was suffocating. Taught this by partners and lovers mostly. How do you break out of that mentality? I force myself now. I have done it consciously since I was 19. With mixed results. Some were receptive and others... hot and cold. Never knowing, I pushed on, firmly believing that if I could just reassure the person I loved that I am here, not going anywhere, that I am real... that they would understand and accept my feelings for what they were, beautiful.
And here I am again, feeling this intensity.. this beating my chest. I never learned how to verbalize my feelings because it was always communicated to me that they were wrong. So they come out in garbled messes, indecipherable and harried. I send them anyway, these emails and letters. A test of myself, if I can do it, a test for my lover.. to see if they understand where it is all coming from. If they are scared, they do not understand.
I have never wanted to crush anyone with my feelings, to crowd them or disable their individuality. No, individuality must be cultivated, encouraged. Just to reassure them that I am here, that someone cares.
Do we transfer our own wants onto others? Because that is all I've ever wanted from someone I am with... to know that they are there. I do not live the Golden Rule so avidly as in this aspect of my life.

Ok, it can be done.
In a week I have:

-Decided to live in NY instead of Philadelphia
-Obtained a job in Brooklyn
-Found a room for rent
never been more confident I am doing the right thing.

It smells like frosting in my room for some reason. Everything is almost in boxes. I'm excited.. more excited than I was anxious before.

The Iranian gov't. has banned all barbers from giving Western haircuts to men and also trimming eyebrows.
Hah, best thing about moving to Brooklyn.. don't have to give up my WNYC. Nerdin' it up.

Ah, job security is a beautiful thing. So are health benefits that kick in after four months.
Went on an interview yesterday and got a job with The Working Families Party (www.workingfamliesparty.org ). I start on the 14th and so does the apartment hunt.
I couldn't leave the area. Thought I wanted to, but what it came down to was not wanting to miss out on what is looking like a great relationship. Because I have a choice, I'm not letting distance interfere with this one. She's staying too. Didn't know she was going to leave, but she told me two nights ago she was planning on going home to Cali until a week and a half ago. :)
Great how things work out... and surprising. Since I've met Ali pieces of the puzzle just seem to have fallen into place.

It's very hard to get the rest of my work done. I keep logging onto craigslist and trying to find apartments. It's all I can do to just read an article.
ah!

so, there's the update. In depth thought to follow later.