"Putting yourself out there". It is hard and sometimes when you do it, the person on the receiving end is worried by the intensity, the honesty... that it might be too much. "Out on a limb".. how true. You're alone out there until someone helps you down, joins you even. When I say "I love you" I am out on that limb.. high up and looking down.. only at that moment remembering I am scared of heights.
And when I am so honest, when I am so blunt, it is because I hold it in most days. Taught early on that if you feel strongly about someone, you're probably going to crowd them. Taught that love was suffocating. Taught this by partners and lovers mostly. How do you break out of that mentality? I force myself now. I have done it consciously since I was 19. With mixed results. Some were receptive and others... hot and cold. Never knowing, I pushed on, firmly believing that if I could just reassure the person I loved that I am here, not going anywhere, that I am real... that they would understand and accept my feelings for what they were, beautiful.
And here I am again, feeling this intensity.. this beating my chest. I never learned how to verbalize my feelings because it was always communicated to me that they were wrong. So they come out in garbled messes, indecipherable and harried. I send them anyway, these emails and letters. A test of myself, if I can do it, a test for my lover.. to see if they understand where it is all coming from. If they are scared, they do not understand.
I have never wanted to crush anyone with my feelings, to crowd them or disable their individuality. No, individuality must be cultivated, encouraged. Just to reassure them that I am here, that someone cares.
Do we transfer our own wants onto others? Because that is all I've ever wanted from someone I am with... to know that they are there. I do not live the Golden Rule so avidly as in this aspect of my life.