So, the goal is to educate beyond the point of rhetoric. I can hold a conversation and not spout out facts and statistics, but produce a stream of consciousness that accurately relays passion, facts, humanity. That's the goal.


I have been rejecting media lately. Rejecting what I am supposed to look like. Taking time to appreciate the curve, shape, strength of my body. I don't want to be invisible anymore. I want to be loud, heard over the cacophony. I don't want to slip in and out of subways, but shoulder my way through. I don't want to be so small that I need to go to the kids section, I don't want my eyes to sink in my face, I need them vibrant and beautiful.

I've been doing all this. Remembering that when I compare yourself to another woman, I don't know if she is even happy with herself. Stopping myself when the berating thoughts start. Smiling in the mirror when I feel the frowns coming. I don't pinch with my fingers, I run them up and down, loving the curve/shape/strength of my body.

This is not about Having Without Holding anymore.

I'm happy I have a way out of here. I can run away in a year. And I'll be honest about it, I'll acknowledge what it is. Running. Flying.

From myself (impossible), from every situation I'm in right now that causes me unease/pleasure/edge of my seat excitement (because it's so overwhelming, i'd leave it)

People can ask me "What're you doing after college" all they want. And I'll be one of the few who has an answer. An answer built on some self-doubt and fear.

If I have been told that I am meant for great things my whole life, it's reasonable that there's this weight. My chest can't hold in this heart. I might burst one day. Feeling has become so intense. It always was, making the walls I'm hiding behind necessary. The severity/intensity of it all might paralyze me.

yea, toot that fucking horn.

I'm happy I have a way out of here. I can run away in a year. And I'll be honest about it, I'll acknowledge what it is. Running. Flying.

From myself (impossible), from you (unthinkable), from every situation I'm in right now that causes me unease/pleasure/edge of my seat excitement (because it's so overwhelming, i'd leave it)

People can ask me "What're you doing after college" all they want. And I'll be one of the few who has an answer. An answer built on some self-doubt and fear.

If I have been told that I am meant for great things my whole life, it's reasonable that there's this weight. My chest can't hold in this heart. I might burst one day. Feeling has become so intense. It always was, making the walls I'm hiding behind necessary. The severity/intensity of it all might paralyze me.

yea, toot that fucking horn.

There is nothing quite like Navigating alone. I feel it most while walking up subway stairs.
subways. The closeness. The view of a face, each pore visible if you only glance to the right. Every individual a potential spy, up and coming actor, lover (Make eyes. Ruffle newspapers. Turn pages),.

Going to sleep with cars.horns.bikewheels.ambulances.
In an apartment inhabited by two activists who have made a home
Have filled bookshelves with theory, language, and practice.

The bed, this life, is inviting.

Good night, World.
Good night Countries whose soil I wish my feet were standing on.
Sweet dreams, Dreams. Even they need a rest as of late.

Liver, I truly am sorry.
Feet, my apologies.
Shoes, you just have to go back.
Stomach, I'll take care of you.

Lordy, times are rough.

I need to move away from here, but that wouldn't change Anything. It would just make the Anything farther away.
My shoulders feel small today.

And my mouth can't form any words that she needs to hear. I don't know if there are any words. I just want something to happen. Something good. It's about time.

A package was sent to my house last week. I picked it up on Friday. These items inside it, a poster, books, zines - are making me think in a way I have not in years. I still do not know if I believe in Fate, something about it bothers me, but I'm an admirer the way that life has a way of working out.
I do not know if I would have been receptive to these things a year ago. Three months ago, even.

This week has been intense. Training for the WC basically takes over your life. I'm excited about this semester. Some of the old/familiar will probably happen. I'm going to see if we can start up vegan potluck again, there will be club meetings, bike rides down hills lined with orange/red leaves, and pumpkin flavored everythings. But there's going to be new stuff too. I hold a different position w/ new reponsibilities in the WC, this is my last year, and because of that I have to think about what will happen after.

I saw Balbuena yesterday. It solidified my ambition of going to Peru, but while talking with her, it became obvious that I do not know when I should go. I don't want to go right after I graduate, but I might have to because the loans have to be paid starting six months after I graduate. And the real bottom line is I don't know where I'll live if I don't go to Lima. There are a couple of states where I have a couple of friends and that might have to be the option right now. I'm completely unsure. Exciting.