My dad called on Friday. After we hung up the phone rang again and I answered. "I forgot something", he said.
"Oh?" I responded.
"I forgot to tell you I love you."

I smiled a smile that couldn't translate over the phone, but I thanked him for calling back. Told him "I love you too".

In January I will see my father for the first time in five years. Last week I would have told anyone willing to listen that I wasn't looking forward to it, that I was unsure. But he called back and that's all it takes sometimes.

The man cannot rest 'til he's finally beaten his needs

I need.

I need to write so I turn off the lights, turn on the music, take off my clothes, and get into pajamas.
Oh, but I'm not sure of what to say.
Today I pushed my body. Running faster than I should be able to considering the shape I'm in, but I was able to. I gained momentum because I thought of all the muck inside of me. If I concentrate hard enough, I feel the pain/sadness/loneliness/frustration congealing itself against the lining of my stomach, burrowing into the crevices of my bones. I ran hard and fast and now I can't walk. Living metaphor.

Tonight in class we talked about relationships, what people want while they're in them. Jarring, isn't it, to have it hit you in the face "I had all that". I went home and ate leftovers and then watched tv with Vanessa.
I told her last night, about me. I told her what the past eleven years have been filled with. I told her why D is so important to me and still is, how his importance was cemented the night he put his hand on my stomach and told me I am beautiful and okay the way I am; his hand encompassing the whole of my body in that moment. I can still feel the shock that went through me, the sensation of jumping into a cold pool simulated by his touch and words.

I told her about Friday: How Vince looked at me and told me I have a disease. He gave me a diagnosis. No one has ever done that and in that moment I found a weird sense of validation.. affirmation that Yes, Something Is Wrong. Then he asked me if I am ready to get better and I told him I had to think about it.
You see, there has been so much change lately that I did not ask for. Too much has been taken away without my permission and sometimes this feels like the last piece. Logic doesn't always have to make sense.
She understood and she smiled. And she hugged me and thanked me for sharing with her, for trusting her enough.

I was so lonesome for you tonight that I called the number I am not supposed to call and messaged the screenname that probably wasn't you.
I miss your cackle and the way you make an entrance into every room you enter. You do not darken doorways, you illuminate them.
You are larger than life, your smile is wider than my arms could ever stretch in their poor attempts to show how much I love you.
Oregon is a lucky state, within its boundaries lives a woman I dream of. She is taller than mountains and stronger than ancient trees. Her heart beats with the pounding of rivers, her eyes hold constellations not yet discovered, her voice carries with it the wind that touches my face as I go about my day, and her words reverberate in the ears of all that hear them, like a hammer put to the Liberty Bell.
Nothing and no one could make me happier than the sight of you could.
Home, you are my friend.

Ya basta.

I learned that tonight. Sometimes saying things in other languages makes them more powerful. Finding a different way to say something that has already become a repetitive thought in my head. But spoken in a different language it is a secret even to myself because the tongue is foreign.

I'm going to go and ride my bike. And feel stronger than I have in weeks because my legs will be manifesting my energy into movement. Move move movement. I've had it up to the metaphorical "here" with women symbols being crossed out. M's being > than W's. Every image and inflammatory/bigoted statement cutting at my core and cutting me down to size.

I deserve "this" (Read as: Respect, love, equality, freedom) , but I am stuck in the muck and myre of "that" (Read as: manipulation, lies, hate, neverending stories). Binary boxes and lovely codependencies coddled and nurtured over years.

I'm going to ride my bike and then form a circle around a fire with my friends and people who have yet to become my friends. Being alone followed by being surrounded. Zipping through parking lots followed by sitting on trunks.

I was in this. There's a picture of me with a banner at the front of the protest. It's on some site somewhere. I'm not putting it here, but thought I'd tell you that it exists anyway.


11/09/2006
Ursinus students participate in JCPenney protest
By: Sarah Keck

Students from Ursinus College joined with students from other colleges and universities in the area and protested Nov. 4 at the JCPenney store at the King of Prussia Mall in solidarity for garment industry workers in Kenya.
The action was part of a three-day conference put on by the Mid-Atlantic Region of the United Students Against Sweatshops, an international organization of student groups fighting for workers' rights and sweatshop-free labor conditions. The conference took place from Nov. 3 to 5 on the Ursinus campus.
"The purpose of this event was for student labor activists in the Mid-Atlantic region to unite and discuss campaigns and strategies, participate in a solidarity action and plan future actions," said Ursinus sophomore Lauren Schaeffer, a member of We Care About the Nation, a strategic student labor focused activist organization at Ursinus.
The protest aimed to increase awareness about a garment factory in Athi River, Kenya, called Rising Sun, which produces clothing for a corporation called Jones Apparel Group. This corporation sells clothing under the name Jones New York, which is then sold wholesale to American department stores. JCPenney is a major buyer of Jones garments.
"This past June, over 1,200 legally unionized workers were summarily dismissed and locked out of the factory," said Ursinus senior Jonathan Kieran, explaining his group's empathy with the workers at Rising Sun. "They were then replaced by casual workers willing to produce at a lower salary, with no benefits, and without the opportunity to join a union."
Kieran said that even though both the Ministry of Labor and Industrial Court of Kenya have sided with the workers, the owners of Rising Sun have still refused to comply with Kenyan and international labor law.
Saturday afternoon, students showed up at JCPenney and put informational brochures in the pockets and sleeves of Jones garments before delivering a formal letter to the managers of the store, informing them of the situation at Rising Sun. Students then formed a line and marched from one end of the King of Prussia Plaza to the other, chanting, distributing fliers, and waving two banners sporting the slogan: "JCPENNEY, STOP PAYING IN PENNIES."
The protest drew the attention of shoppers and mall security guards. Students were eventually forced to leave by security, and some were banned from the mall by the police. No one was arrested.
"It was definitely a shocking event," said Ursinus junior Chris Curley, who participated in the protest. "It brought awareness to an issue that most shoppers aren't necessarily thinking about."
Katie Ringler, a senior at Ursinus, agreed. "It was empowering," she said.
"I think it was pretty incredible that people were so shocked by it, but were really receptive to it," said Dina Yarmus, Ursinus College senior and president of WeCAN. "I think people supported us."
The action came 10 days after members of WeCAN presented a letter to Ursinus President John Strassburger expressing their concerns about the conditions under which Ursinus apparel is made. The letter offered the possibility of the college adopting the Designated Supplies Program, a program of the Workers Rights Consortium, which would ensure that all Ursinus collegiate apparel comes from designated factories that respect workers rights and pay a living wage.
"Adopting the DSP and affiliation with the WRC would help improve the lives of many factory workers, and it would also show the public that an Ursinus education seeks to impact global debates beyond the traditional classroom setting," the letter stated. "By taking this initiative to ensure that our collegiate apparel is made in proper conditions, we are translating this mission from print to reality and living up to the ideals Ursinus has instilled in our campus community as a partner in the world."
For more information about news and events at Ursinus College, visit the college's Web site, www.ursinus.edu.