Having a club in a mall is a ridiculous concept at 7 p.m. There's this guy behind our booth dancing with himself in the mirror. Taylor shimmies up to him at one point and runs away to the tune of "Oh you're good you're good niiice" following her.
She paid for my drink so I had one. Raps about New York City and city thug life are sending pulses through my body that make my ribs reverberate with the sound. I wonder how many people in this room have been to New York City. I think I hate this. I know I hate what's outside that door more .. a Mall that is full of plastic models showing off the latest styles and people clamoring to catch that sale or get to that movie or eat at that food court (you know, the one that plays Feliz Navidad in April). Maybe it's the same everywhere.
I had to answer an essay question in highschool that asked you to define the Human Condition. I am not so cynical to say that Club SOS in Bangalore's finest mall is it, but it proposes a good argument.
I spent over 9 hours in Bangalore on Easter Sunday and came out of it with some presents, an outfit, a nose piercing, a full belly, and confident that Commercial Street section is better than MG Road.
*

There are things to start when I get home. Things to stop and things to plan. A phone company to call and yell at.. which seems so mundane. Little bits of every day life coming back into play. It is the natural progression. Today Shanti came back for another group session, but this time it wasn't to see how we were all dealing with Indian culture, each other, etc. .. He talked about how our group is never going to be this same group again. That even if we ever did all manage to get together when we're in the states.. it'll be different. True. Very.
I have adapted myself to have mostly any social need met by these ten. If I know I need a good talking to, I go to Malika because she tells it like it is. Maybe I just need to joke around, well, that'd be Fidel. Some introspective/dry/friendly banter, Cindy hands down. Lauren was always down for talking about anything at all. And Taylor has just been good stuff all around.
I know my friends are at home waiting for me. I know now more than I ever did how much I love them. I feel like there will have to be some readjustment though. I've been relating to these people for four months in the way we've all discovered we need to be related to and now all my energy I put into that will be shifted.
Hmm, but shifted into what? Relationships that are as known to me as a favorite book or song? Songs that we get lost in and bop our heads along with. And we hum the tune easily, finishing a verse if the other is uncertain, and smile during the parts where we get to play air instruments. Doesn't sound so bad at all because it's not so bad at all.
It's just a shift. Which is a reality.

*

I hate the internet with a passion. I'm tired of committing my thoughts to text on a screen that pop up in emails, comments, ims to be interpreted any which way. I want to hear and touch. Two senses in need of dusting off, in this context. I hate screens that are pixel/text representations of the people I want to hold. I don't like asking "Hey did you ge that IM" when that one IM could make or break a "conversation". I hate asking "wait, did you mean blah blah when you said blah blah? because some things don't translate well over the internet, you know. Har dee har har" I hate things not translating well. I don't like that I can't call anyone reading this right now and tell them what I'm writing instead of typing it.
Fair enough, it's made me have to push myself to find different ways of communicating how I am. Picking my words a little more carefully. But I still don't think it's an ideal way to train people to engage in conversation.

*
So Home. Challenge about going back that is not related to the physical geography or cultural mindset of the place...
Take what I learn from here and apply it to my life there. Try not to lose it and remember how hard I had to work to attain this sense of peace/self/balance/confidence. It's fledgling yet and maybe fragile. Every day there are situations where I have to keep at it, practice, nurture. Don't over analyze. Don't overreact. Don't make myself sick over things which will work themselves out. Those are my achievements..
I can't get sucked back into old ways of thinking where I don't even factor in to the decision making or honestly believe I will fall apart if I have to stand alone. Which makes not standing alone so much more beautiful. Where I am coming from: Love that has always been there, of course, but now it is not tainted by fear. No, that's been replaced by faith in Life, What's Best, What's Happy, What Will Be.


*
Rest assured there are many things throughout the day that I think would be good choices to write down here.

But then it's 3 a.m., I've been staring at this screen for an indeterminable amount of hours and just have those Late Night thoughts running through my head. The ones you don't pay attention to in the day, the feeling you get in your brain and body that alludes the consciousness during sunlight hours.

And they're not bad.

And they're not good.

It's just fatigue at this point.

My emotions are dictated by which song is playing and I'm just thankful I can let that happen and that I know all the words.

no, scratch that. too tired to say that and have it be true right now.