I definitely still look at pictures of you
And I wish I didn't

And I still think about what I'd do if I saw you
I would probably feel like I was punched in the stomach

Yesterday I wondered if you'd ever call again
And thought maybe I should send that email I've been writing in my head.

**

One day a man was interviewing people on the subway.
He was asking the riders why they didn't smile on the way to work.
Likening the train to a slave ship, he asked people why they wouldn't smile.
Just to make things better..
And a woman started singing a song about Happiness that I don't remember.
When the doors open she flitted (yes, flitted) out and danced around someone sitting on a bench.
And she was being filmed then too.
And I was happy about it, but not as happy as the time I saw little old woman who sang dirty songs at Christmastime.

Mac is eating paper beneath the chair
The ice cream is settling and seeping in my stomach

I'm watching House and wondering why people like this show
They just referenced Deepak, though, but not in a nice way.

I'm probably becoming dumber every day
But I was dumb in the first place for believing that you would save me from this mediocrity.

i went back to livejournal. sophomoric and a little ridiculous, but old habits die hard and el jay is like the cockroach of bad habits.

This week has seen an upheaval. I'm glad it's over, but starting a new week cannot erase new concerns or ideas.
I'm "home for the holidays" and I guess there's no place like it. Nothing quite like my mom sleeping a lot, me watching movies from the library, and getting a chance to see my friends (i.e., Nora). So I have a lot of time to think and to find ways to avoid thinking.

I am sure that many of the world's greatest love affairs never had a fighting chance because of distance.

Sometimes when you forgive people
You really wish you hadn't
Because even though it's a virtuous act,
They never deserved it in the first place.
And it's comical now,
How you loved them
Amusing that you cared
Because you were braver and better
Than they have ever even dared
to
be

Because you had to put up with it.

For any who read this:
You're probably wasting your time. I don't update and the original purpose of this E-space was to keep an ex updated on how I was pining away for him in India. Well that unfruitful and misguided mission has been accomplished.. So, all being said and done, now that it's said.. I'll probably start writing more.

Moving on..

My job is pretty sweet in a gut-wrenchingly challenging/heart rendering/patience testing kinda way.

No, wait, I think I like writing on paper better.

So even though I moved to this city five months ago, Mom says that because I have a real job now .. I am "really starting my adult life". I wonder what markers could cancel this one out in the future.
I guess it takes time to adjust to any new place.. even if it's not that new. When I came here, I wanted to leave and maybe try another city, another pace, another life. Thankfully that urge is gone and I find myself lovingly spewing cliches right and left as I walk down the streets of Brooklyn/Manhattan.. "I love this city" I say to myself. While it's not the only place in the world you can walk down a street in a Caribbean neighborhood with women dressed in traditional clothing on your right and a bus of Orthodox Jewish men on your left... it's one of the few. Sometimes I almost resent the fact that I was raised so close to here .. because it didn't afford me much of a chance to move to somewhere I'd want to end up anyway.
I start my job pretty soon. Tomorrow I go in and sign all the necessary papers and set a schedule. I woke up at five thirty this morning rehearsing what I would say to the clients, how I would act, picturing what I would wear. Now and then throughout the day I practice my tone of voice in my head. I go through the motions of sounding cheery, stern, .. a Do Re Mi of emotions. I don't know how this is going to work out, which excites me and I'm sure that is also the reason I have to remind myself to breathe a couple of times each day.

A lot of things I do, I do because it seems as if it would happen that way in a movie.