Spent some time with Melanie. Wandering around New York City lost, but not caring too much. As lost as we thought we were, ends up we were walking in circles. True to life, right?
A lot of things have come full circle lately. I've ended up where I was before, but different. A year and a half ago I spent time with Melanie, walked my 36o and here I am again, but different. A year and a half ago I was alone. A whole circle, later and I am "alone" again, but different. The goal is to walk up to your starting point as a better person.
My hair is gone again, resting in big clumps in the bathroom garbage. So, there's no more hair to hide behind. I laugh when I think of some of the trite cliches I live my life by, but if it's worth living your life by in the first place ... maybe it's not so trivial. I feel like a different person when my face is so out in the open, when I cannot put any hair in front of my eyes. Hair is important, historically, personally. I notice that when it is longer, I tend to act more demure without thinking about it. I smile more when my hair is shorter.
Got pancakes this morning at Stateline and talked with Melanie about coming out and being comfortable with ourselves. I've taken some big steps towards the latter these past few months. Gradually, every now and then, I purposefully let something slip in conversation, although I notice how much I censor myself as well. I guess this is a half-ass way of doing it to my small readership. Well, it's all about convenience these days.
But the point, right: Talking with her .. identifying with her, sharing funny stories - it felt right. Something I have to get used to, but right. I know that if I didn't live in the heterosexist world I grew up in/exist in ... I think I would've come to this place a lot sooner. The fear I had to explore this part of myself would never have been planted so deep inside of me.
Because I've realized, All my life I have sought approval from men, but only found genuine comfort,love,solace from women.
Maybe I will meet a man one day who will fulfill these basic needs.. who knows. That's not the point, because the point being made is pretty obvious.
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I leave tomorrow morning for Asheville. I consumed a little today: bought a new bathing suit, jeans, and misc. travel stuff. I started reading No Logo on the shuttle ride over there. I think it's going to benefit me a lot. Considering I freaked out after going to Paramus Park Mall last week with Vanessa, this will help me mend my ways and probably be very therapeutic, hah. Seriously, though, I hadn't been in a mall for over a year and I hadn't bought anything anywhere else besides Sal. Army. What was most jarring, were the mannequins everywhere .. and how thin they were and how incredibly reinforced "The image" was. Lifesize pictures of women with hip bones that jut out, stomachs that sucked in, and breasts that jut out straight ahead and weren't any discernable shape. On the bright side, I must not be exposing myself to that kind of stuff as much as I had feared if I had that reaction.

Anyway, I'm really excited about Asheville. And then there's the march in nyc and having hot coacoa with Ali the next day after I come back.
So happy spring break... and if you're not on spring break, have a good week knowing that across the country thousands of 20 something's are being debaucherous, giddy, and happy knowing that for one week, there is a little less stress.