I am so restless.

Vince said to me today, "I notice when I ask you about school you never seem excited, like it's an obstacle."

"It is. I don't want to be here."

I pick up packets on volunteering/interning abroad constantly - Knowing that when I look up the cost and think about my savings/the time involved ... that I can't do it. I know I'll have a lot of time after I graduate, but I mean NOW. I want to go somewhere now.

Alternative Spring Break cannot come fast enough.
A year from now can't come fast enough.

I am constantly looking up air fare to India. Comparing prices.
I can't lie, it's not so much the scenery, but the people. Oamjie. Like a hole in my chest, Oamjie. And Lakamma, who would grab my forearm and talk to me in a language we both knew I didn't understand. Manjula, Aravind, Pinkie...

If I had enough to go after I graduate, I keep thinking. But I don't see how I can.

--

This alone occupies my thoughts. I do not want to be involved with anyone because the desire to leave is much stronger. And I guess the Fear that it could happen is just as strong. I don't care if I stay in the country, I just need to go.

The "why" of that will be analyzed later, I'm sure. Why am I not satisfied here? There is nothing to hold me here, maybe that is why. Everything is so temporary. There isn't much built on a solid foundation. Where I live, temporary. My friendships, Time will only tell. The activism that I'm doing is very isolated to this campus. My jobs, all have concrete end dates.
I have my mother.
I have one of my Sisters.
I have another Sister coming back soon.
--

Tonight was Take Back The Night. I spoke. A lot of people spoke. Some men spoke. I was glad of that. I talked about how women who have bad male role models in their family have a better chance of being scared all of their lives.. scared that the man they are dating will be like their Father. They will probably, at some point or another, date someone who is just like their father. Maybe they will date someone like this more than once.. angry at themselves for never learing the lesson. They are more likely to go without food, or stuff their faces full.. trying to fill some void.
"they".. Me.

Then I went to a meeting and some guy said "You should really take Professor ___ if you haven't already. She's amazing. And a plus for the guys, she's really hot"
Fuck you, __! I felt like saying. Fuck you for objectifying someone, for only noticing women's appearances. And the same goes to the guys who feel like harping on other women's appearances in front of other women.
I am really tired of "pro-feminist" men who believe just because they give themselves that title, it gives them a carte blanche to say whatever they want because "You know I'm joking, I'm a feminist!" I feel as if those are the worst because they are not only lying to others, but themselves.

Do you see how much distrust I have?
And the anger... I wanted to ask all the men in the audience tonight "Do you get it? Women have come up here and shared stories of being urinated on, raped, verbally abused, ignored, silenced, hair pulling, yells of "you're my property".. do you get it?
And if I said it .. it wouldn't be because I wanted to make them feel guilty about being men, but able. Able to do something. To talk to their peers. I wanted to ask them, All those jokes I've heard about bitchy feminists, loud women who won't be quiet... Do you envision These Women when you tell those jokes? Because that's who you're hurting. This is the movement you're trivializing when you call a woman a cunt in a derrogatory way, when you think a woman is a bitch because she's sticking up for herself, A prude for saying No.