Right now it's ten forty five pm and the thought "This year is going to fly by" just popped up in my head. I think things a lot that may or may not be true thus resulting in a lot of resignation to the "What will be will be" type attitude.
Too much resignation is bad for the psyche. It makes me feel as if I really am completely at the whim of the Greater Whole. Maybe I should stop seeing it all with a defeatist's outlook. It just does not satiate me, this resignation..


I sat on the back steps of my house two days ago as dusk was falling shadow by shadow. The pink sky contrasted nicely against the yellow of the little house that sits in my backyard. If you sit on the backsteps you can't see the entire edifice of the house because there are big arching boughs of leaves from the grape vines that grow along the left side of the yard.
I always sit on the steps and never on the white plastic lawn chairs that we never bought so they never belonged to us. I think the landlady did, but she never sits outside.

Being with Mom was good. She's good, she's strong, and after seeing her interact with her own mother yesterday... well, every mother/child relationship is going to be wraught with complexities and trials and tribulations. So, I'm thinking that mothers are human and I am starting to see my mother in that light more so than I ever have. Because, don't get me wrong, I realized a long time ago that she is not perfect, she cannot always fix my problems, or answer my questions, but she tries so so hard and most of the time ... she succeeds. It was funny to see her with Gramma. It's like how the both of us could be 29 years in the future. But I don't think we will.
Growing up with her .. just her.. all my life, it makes things different. I am protective of her in the same way I need her to be protective of me. I hugged her in bed yesterday afternoon when she was scared about going to the doctor for her eyes, and she's held me many times. There's a line that is malleable; it can exist right down the middle, or on her side or mine.

Ah, there are too too many thoughts right now. Thoughts of leaving, of being in backyards/beds/houses Alone, of right and wrong, of emulation and seperation, of Love , of it Conquering, of it Surviving, of Who the hell do I think I am to fuck up my body, of me not caring very much sometimes at all.

Sometimes I don't feel like I have ambition and maybe I am destined to just be a leaf floating downstream.. resigning myself to a life of resignation to the ebb and flow. Today I imagined that I am a creature born for lazy hazy days, good food, drink, and love. Some days I think that if I just had a nice little place somewhere, with a good/like-minded partner, a comfortable bed with two thin pillows, and a cool breeze at night, that I would be fine. Yes, if I had all of those things in one place, then I would be happy. Maybe that's why I don't have them now.. so that I keep moving along.
Whatever it is I am or whatever life I am "meant for" ... I know that I am dissatisfied here. I play with my hair too much, it falls all over my desk. I pick at and gorge food. My feet drag from one job to the next, the mission statement not mattering much anymore. All of it, it doesn't taste right, move/feel/sound/love right.



I read in an astrology book last night that things will be good when I'm 31. Two pages complete with Relationship/Business/Love profie... even a list of birthdays that my birthday would Date well.
Oh yea, and things will also be peaceful and happy when I am 62. I was glad to know it. I am wise beyond my years, Skip says so. And if an overweight limo-drivin', video deejaying man is wrong .. I don't wanna be right.

11:12 pm. Less hair, more tired, a little lighter.