Heh, like it's my first day of school.

I have a list of things I need to bring. I've mapped out the route from the PATH to West 13th St. I am bringing a book, notebook, and pen. I know what I'm going to wear and, just to feel like an adult, I have my dinner plans as well.

I just looked up and Sidrahm is staring back at me. He loved having his picture taken. I'm standing next to him with my arms folded and my right foot in front of my left. I look like a cocky newsboy ... with a big smile on my face. Lauren's caught off guard and Taylor is being cheesy behind us.
I haven't felt right since I got back. Or maybe I didn't feel right before. Yes, I remember... I remember being willing to exchange anything just to be aware, informed, more knowledgeable of the world. And I have exchanged things.
Instead of settling into a complacent idea that I will never go anywhere because that is what my class/station in life dictates, I now have a restlessness oozing with confidence that I can leave .. and more anger/defiance than I had before directed at where I stand in this class system.
Instead of loving where I live and defending the small obnoxious nuances that make up New Jersey... I just see strip malls and people who treat me as inhuman/invisible at work, asphalt, manicured lawns, $500 purses, and girls who are naked and boys who are taught to only see that.
Instead of thinking I could get away from all that in all its forms, I know that these things manifest themselves in one way or another everywhere.
Instead of having no faith in myself and my capabilities.. I bike at night, I figure out trains' peak times, I research savings accounts, I make conscious choices, I have "a day" in the city, I volunteer, I take time.


Walking out of ShopRite two days ago the sky was dark grey and starting seeping through the cracks in the clouds.. An old woman pushing a cart behind me starting talking about the weather. "It's been a bad summer so far", she said. I looked at her and thought Movie Moment. I said, "Yea, it's been rough."

So, I think these things happen for a reason. Is that fatalism? Hmm, I hope not seeing as how I've put in a lot of time to saying I was some angsty existentialist.