I haven't updated this for a week and I don't know if anyone's the worse for it. My computer is not letting me update this thing or read my hotmail. Or respond to emails in my webmail. This is problematic, but I am lazy and probably won't get it fixed for awhile.
I realized last night that I am making this up as I go along. My days, how I'm dealing with things, what I say, how I do things. It's not such a bad way to live life, it definitely lets me figure out what works and what doesn't. Right now I have a list of things that Did Not Work and Are Not Working, but there's a counter list and they're kind of even.
I'm saying "list" as if I've actually sat down and written one, but I haven't. Actually I don't know if they're even, these hypothetical lists. I'm obviously just bullshitting... myself? You? Themtheyherhim?
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Two weeks ago my finger got jammed between a large pallet (basically a huge pile of merchandise stuck on a wood pallet that we cart around the store so we can put it all away) and part of my nail and a big chunk of my skin got ripped off. This is okay because it is healed now and I can feel my fingertip again.
Two weeks ago a coworker there made an off the cuff comment about a Quickie, I chastised him, and we moved on with our conversation. I'll admit, I was a little shocked that he'd say that to me. It's the only uncomfortable incident that has happened since I returned there.
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When people compliment me, it's usually "cute". I hate it. I hate the way it effects how I act. I can sense myself hamming it up just a bit, smiling a little differently.. I don't see myself as cute. That's a dimunitive word. Small things are cute. Knick knacks and babies.
Size. Size has so much to do with everything.
I don't want to feel the way I did last Fall. Crying after reading packets on rape, feeling small and easily manipulative, working out so I'd feel strong because it was being put on me that I am weak.
No, not weak. Cute.
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So, today is Monday and I am dealing with everything by eating some Goldfish (baked with smiles!) and avoiding going back to my room.
My cuticles are a mess. I push them down with my thumb and pick the dirt out from under the nail of my right ring finger. My manicure.
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I get to ride my bike to work tomorrow and back and turn my head so I can hear the wheel zipping down the road. I get to smile and feel wind on my cheeks. I get to squint my eyes while making sharp turns and stick my right arm out for a right turn and my left arm for a left turn (shakily because I'm bad at just having my right hand on the handlebars). I get all that.
I did make a list in India of things that bring me great joy that I can do by myself. Wheel zipping, arm stick, and cheek winding were among the many that came to mind.