How to make the transition from writing aboutIndia to writing about home? I haven't been describing or living through "home" for the past four months.

The Flight.
Part of it.

Well, I threw out all my underwear in Frankfurt. I had washed them before leaving the ashram and they hadn't dried. Never being anyone to throw something out when I could just wash it, mend it, patch it... I didn't even think of just leaving them there like some of the others who were in my situation did. So I put them in a plastic ziploc and put some Baby Powder in there. And, no, I didn't know what I was doing or what I was doing it. It made perfect sense at the time.
I put the bag in my backpack so I could monitor the smell and state of the panties. I bit my lip nervously as we went through the Indian airport security and, my prayers were answered, I didn't have to be randomly searched.
But, Frankfurt, .. oh in Frankfurt.
I had to give up. Seven pairs gone gone. And I am left with only two to my name. This is good because who doesn't love buying new underwear, but problematic because I had been hoping to avoid any shopping establishment like the plague. So, I will just have to ignore them like .. "the annoying waitress".. someone you can kind of ignore, but has just come up to you anyway..like it or not.

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I was treated like shit at the Indian airport by some dude in big sunglasses (why do people wear sunglasses inside??) at the security desk. The plane was almost finished boarding, I'm in line and I'm told I have to go get a security tag on my pack. Ok ok I go back to the glasses guy who also took my ticket from me ten minutes ago and was asking really acenine questions and making me late.
"I need a security tag"
"Ohhhh, you need a security tag, do you?"
"Yes, that's what I just said"
-speaks about me in Kannada for five minutes-
-I leave and I'm one of the last people to board.

Part of it:
Big Jyamma gave me four of her red bangles and told me to call on April 27th. I don't know what we will say to eachother, but, of course, haven't you learned there's more to communication than that?
I put 100 rps in Roukema's hand for Cheche
Lakama poured sugar into my mouth and I don't know.. I am telling myself because she thinks I'm sweet... or, the kitchen ladies just love literally shoving food in my mouth. Big Jyamma called me a chicken the other day, I might need fattening up...
On the way to the airport I chair danced with Malika and relieved some gas that no one knew about because the windows were down and it was so loud. That's about as ceremonious as that was...
At the airport Aravind cried, said nice things to me, and told me he can get me a job. And he really could. And one day I might experience India.. and not in a sheltered way .. (that should be another entry.. so, moving on)..
I gave Manjula a present and a card and she cried.
Sidhram squeezed my hand so hard when he was shaking it goodbye.
I finished all my papers.
When it was time, I turned my back and just walked away. My brain "left, right, left, right. Okay, put the suitcase on the conveyor belt. Yes, let that man help you because it's so heavy. Oh, there's Malika, catch up... left right left"

I didn't cry.

I still haven't cried.

In Frankfurt I had a good discussion with myself (back and forth back and forth-walking around trying to kill five hours) about the rules for "legitimacy". The guidelines people have set up for themselves so that they can judge how upset someone really is. It would seem as if I'm not upset at all. As if I've just been dropped back into my life here.
Jenai picked me up. First order of business was getting a Greek Salad and chocolate milk shake. Went to see Bethany at AB&G. Had beer. Went to sleep. Had good conversations in between about all the stuff I've missed and love having conversations about ..
I did all that. I was back in Allendale and I didn't get upset once. Well, maybe when that waitress started talking to me about India because "her girlfriend in college went on some all around the world semester program and she loooved India". That sucked a lot. Especially when she said
"Would you say it's dirtier there?"
My face was twisting up and I could see Jenai laughing because she knew this is EXACTLY what I don't want. I just told the woman that because we're so used to America's way of doing things, we would judge other people easily.. something like that. And she said "Yea I guess we're a little excessive (in reference to cleanlines)." There is no language for the words I wanted to say at that moment.

So, the point is I did all that. I had an awesome homecoming, a calm one, a homecoming made easy because of Jenai and Bethany. And I didn't cry and I'm typing this in a dorm room on campus and outside there were people playing frisbee last night, and -shit- here I am. I can't tell which one feels like a dream.. Am I in India dreaming about Jersey? or am I in Jersey and India feels like it was all a dream?

how I've dealt with being back so far does not include.. seeing Mother, stepping foot in my room, unpacking, being alone. I haven't been alone since I got back. not once. Not for one minute. And that's scary enough to make me tear up a little.