I am lost here. In the best possible way. I'll be found again on April 20th at 3:40 pm in Terminal B.. A girl with red dirt still on her feet and the smell of sweat and spices clinging to her skin. A reluctant returnee.
I listed out in my head things I want to do and there are so many. All in different corners of the world with different responsiblities. But I will have none .. no strings... no strings to hold me where I am. There is the Akwesasne Reservation in northern NY which is suffering, Gurukala in Kerala, ADATS, Balbuena's offer in Peru, and get bigger go ahead.. the world. All seven continents (6, really), all countries, all cities ... I can find a place in any of them.
So, the future, it swells up in front of my eyes and it's gigantic. Endless. Accepting that I have no idea or control about what will happen is freeing/ makes what is going on now seem precious.
Allow me, for a moment, if you will...
I appreciate being here .. I soak it up through my skin and five senses. Kerala was/is the most beautiful place I have ever been. Two nights ago children at an alternative school for tribals performed for us. The drums, the movements, .. I cried three times, letting my wet face show unashamedly. In front of me was the materialization of that "thing" no one lets out too much.. that abandonment, connectedness with the earth. At the end, everyone danced. More than thirty people flailing and laughing in a circle in a large enough room to the beat of three drums... beating faster and faster to the point I could not tell which was my heart and which was the music.
I don't want to leave, but if I am afraid of losing this feeling when I go home, I should not be. What I bring back home with me will be as much "India" as the dirt under my feet.
So, I must leave, but I do not have to stay where I am going. It is with a sense of relief that I think about my trip to Nicaragua. That I will be able to leave the states a month after my return.. that I will be able to melt into someone.. who understands this wrenching feeling ripping apart my stomach from my body and my heart from my chest.
My passions are becoming more clear and the path that will lead me to them, more defined.
I listed out in my head things I want to do and there are so many. All in different corners of the world with different responsiblities. But I will have none .. no strings... no strings to hold me where I am. There is the Akwesasne Reservation in northern NY which is suffering, Gurukala in Kerala, ADATS, Balbuena's offer in Peru, and get bigger go ahead.. the world. All seven continents (6, really), all countries, all cities ... I can find a place in any of them.
So, the future, it swells up in front of my eyes and it's gigantic. Endless. Accepting that I have no idea or control about what will happen is freeing/ makes what is going on now seem precious.
Allow me, for a moment, if you will...
I appreciate being here .. I soak it up through my skin and five senses. Kerala was/is the most beautiful place I have ever been. Two nights ago children at an alternative school for tribals performed for us. The drums, the movements, .. I cried three times, letting my wet face show unashamedly. In front of me was the materialization of that "thing" no one lets out too much.. that abandonment, connectedness with the earth. At the end, everyone danced. More than thirty people flailing and laughing in a circle in a large enough room to the beat of three drums... beating faster and faster to the point I could not tell which was my heart and which was the music.
I don't want to leave, but if I am afraid of losing this feeling when I go home, I should not be. What I bring back home with me will be as much "India" as the dirt under my feet.
So, I must leave, but I do not have to stay where I am going. It is with a sense of relief that I think about my trip to Nicaragua. That I will be able to leave the states a month after my return.. that I will be able to melt into someone.. who understands this wrenching feeling ripping apart my stomach from my body and my heart from my chest.
My passions are becoming more clear and the path that will lead me to them, more defined.
posted by Kate at Saturday, March 25, 2006
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home