I wrote this in an email yesterday and realized how true it is..

Our lives here (the ashram) seem so small even though we are encountering something so big.

What does my life consist of now ...

Hours spent in lectures. I kick my feet really hard under the table, I play with my hair, I drew a face on my hand and made it talk yesterday, and I also ask questions and take notes which are getting more decipherable.

Hours spent on the volley ball court; which is a big square patch of dirt - one side's Out line is a little path. Sometimes while we're playing the ashram's cows will have to be led up it and we have to stop the game. Boys from the village come and play and they're getting bigger in number. Last night there were definitely as many as us. There is one guy who comes every day and he's phenomenal. I'm getting quite phenomenal myself. I needed some time to get over my fear of the ball. It's been awhile since I've played. The staff plays too. Raku (Siddrhama's brother) played last night and one of these days I swear I'll get Raja in there. I like them all so much. Hirjo is able to communicate with them somehow. Two days ago he was actually behind the food table and serving us.. very seriously, but he's really funny. Last night we played from 4:30 to 7; only stopping because Infinite broke one of the cords holding the net up in his excitement and then the power went out so the light we were fixing it by did too.

Hours spent in the computer lab. Not all at the same time and sometimes not all in one day, but hours still. Hours spent connecting back to home somehow. Mostly I come in the mornings because I wake up around 6:30 or 7 a.m. and there's nothing else to do - plus there's a bigger possibility of getting mail then since my night is Jersey's day. At night John is in here and sometimes it's just us. He listens to his headphones and here and there we'll talk about little things. Last night it was me and Malika. Maybe being in front of a box with pixel representations of home are in front of you, you might open up more about home. Actually, yes. If I get a good email I'll tell the person next to me and they won't care that much, but five minutes later they'll be making "aww" or "haha" sounds while reading their email. I don't like it in here, but I like it because I enjoy watching everyone and seeing the difference... A little nicer if you get mail, crabby if you can't get online, and there's sometimes a disappointed shuffle out the door if a mom didn't write back or there was one time when someone couldn't find out what was happening on their favorite show.

And communication beyond a computer lab. Time I spend finding different ways than an email or a piece of paper with my writing on it to express how I feel. (ha, i know you're reading this too...) So that is why I sent a package, am starting to keep an eye out for postcards, try to include a picture in some of my letters. I know how important it is for me to hear from others .. and I think it's essential that others hear from me.

The people here.. the people who live/work/stay here. Even the visitors who come to hold conferences here. Yesterday we got stood up for yoga, but it put us right by the main eating hall where CRI (children's relief of india or something) is holding a meeting. A man came up to us and said. "Tell me something about America. Why is Bush killing so many children?" Fuck, right? Infinite said "Because he's a terrorist" and ding ding ding that was the right answer. The man said he knows not all Americans like Bush, but what has to happen for them to do something about it? Different things were said, my contribution was something about how the Working Poor in America is kept numb b/c they're so busy trying to feed their kids and shelter themselves it's hard to find time to take on such a big cause. And, goddammit, it's so overwhelming and frightening.

My life consists of food, too. I can't ignore it since it's having such a major effect on all of us... Well, not all, but two or three have fallen ill and we won't get into me.. It's good, it's delicious, it's buffet style. Ha. We had ragi bread for breakfast yesterday. I dipped mine in chutney and then I fell in love. soo good.

Hours spent sleeping and dreaming dreams that either make my stomach hurt or leave me feeling a little empty. They're so vivid. I am always tired around 10:30 at night and get up around 7 the next day. I try sleeping later, but I keep waking up earlier. Omjee teases us sometimes if we can't stay up for singing, but I usually force myself to. I refuse to let my waking up habits (which then lead to my day being really long) get in the way of my new favorite thing to do.

So that brings me to singing. I've found my voice. I've sang in front of some of the guest lecturers if they stay overnight, miscellaneous friends of the staff, and the staff itself.. and everyone who lives with me. Caroline asked me if I would like to participate in one of her art projects ... She has masks she's made of Earth Wind Fire Water and she asked if I would put one on and .. i don't know... there's a show going on or something. So I said Yes! and She asked which one I wanted to be. Without hesitation:: Earth.

Hours spent in bumpy car rides to places I'll never forget. People standing on the side of roads.. women with bundles of wood on their heads, men riding bicycles and managing to put things on them I would never believe. Kids screaming HI!!! Dogs in the middle of roads, big bulls on the side of Bangalore's city streets finding whatever blades of grass they can. Women on mopeds and men holding on to them from behind. Big buses pulling up alongside our car and the men staring down at us; me making sure my skirts covers my knees and double checking to see how much, if any, of my chest is showing - the last only happening if I have a tank top on and I only brought 1 here. Nevertheless, being looked at has become part of the routine. I've gotten used to the idea that it's not because they think I'm attractive, it's because I'm white and that's weird. Honestly, going back home is going to be a little bizarre because I'll be hyper sensitive to how many white people will be around. Hmm.. if I sound crazy, forgive me .. or understand.

And these are the things which make up my life here and there will always be the things and people which make up my life at home. It's hard to incorporate the idea into this entry, but I'm assuming it is understood - That every day and every minute of that day my heart is occupied by my love, my close friends, and my mother... and my bike. (Taylor has the Queen song Bicycle and it makes me miss my own and demetrius all at the same time. double whammy.)

Malika is leaving for Jersey tonight. Again, I'll say it ... It seems unnatural that she's going. It's not right. We're supposed to all stay here and no one is supposed to go and she's amazing. Malika will be back in a week, but I'm being selfish right now and pouting a little that I have to add one more person on the list of people I need around me. When one of us is missing from a class or meal.. it's felt. For only being together for a month... we've become so close.

Hmm today I am buying a crazy big phone card. Sunday is a volley ball tournament/marathon.

Thinking about home the other day I realized that even though I miss it, I might be missing a home that's not there anymore.I'll be looking at it differently which instantly makes it a different place. I'm missing the home I knew before I left, but looking forward to what it's going to look like .. with some apprehension, but mostly a smile.
I've made some plans already. I'll have a couch to stay on at Bethany and Jenai's apartment in the village (on campus housing, for those non ramapo people who just got jealous that i'd be staying the NYC village.. which i'm not -sigh-) I spoke to Melanie online last night and I might see her this summer. She's been away for a semester, I'm away now .. I think that if we spoke about it I would have a little more to say. I find myself wanting to talk to anyone who's travelled outside of the country for this long. I was glad to speak with her because she is someone who definitely should be a friend and I think we're both extremely okay with that seeing as how we are both extremely in love with our partners.
My cousin Dana invited me to visit her in Brooklynn where she is now shacking up with her boyfriend. There's a guest bedroom and everything. She missed me at Christmas and just found out two days ago I am in India. Figures. She wants me to meet ... uh I forget his name, and was disappointed she never me Demetrius. We'll see what happens, but I'd love to haul him over to Brooklynn one sticky summer day.. or one cool Fall evening, or some frigid frosty winter's night, or one perfume scented, earth blossoming spring afternoon.