You're up at 4 am because two caffeinated drinks were two too many. The same song has been playing on the computer for an hour and the words don't make sense anymore, none of them are seperate, but one with the tune.
You can't breathe through your nose and your eyes won't close. Next to you is a warm body which has big eyes that open wide every half hour or so and then turn white as they roll back and become hidden by heavy sleepy eye lids. You're a little jealous because your hands can't stop moving and your throat hurts from all of the cold air you're putting in it. You can't sleep.
But you're not crying, you're not sad. Instead, when you look to your left you just see a person that you love and who loves you back and who has been more patient and communicative than anyone you've ever met. That, in turn has inspired you to be the same, no matter how extremely frightening it is for you.
Tonight you found a picture of a crowd during a Christmas tree lighting concert that took place outside of the Haledon Municipal Building six years ago. You were in that concert, standing in front of the tree, in the front because you're short. But the picture didn't have you in it. It was just of the crowd and there, standing behind the conductor, was a little woman whose face was beaming with pride and love. You could tell that she was looking at something which meant the world to her. Something she would fight for, the one thing that gave her the greatest joy in the whole world. And that woman was your mother and that "something" was you. There, in a picture, was capture a mother's love. But you're not going to bring it on your trip because looking at it makes you cry and your stomach and your heart fight out battles and twist and wrap into one another. You're not that woman's little girl any more, but what would you do to be? Not forever, but for just a little while... to see your mother the way you did before you knew what a Democrat was. Before you saw her flaws.. The way you saw her every time you ran to her with a broken barbie because you tore her head off again by accident .. they you saw her when you were four and seeing her at the end of the day was the best thing that could happen ... when you weren't taller than her, but only reached her breasts. And you would hug that woman and snuggle into her chest and feel her arms around you. Now her arms just reach under your armpits and your chin has to rest on her bony shoulder and you bend down to kiss her goodbye when you go out at night.
She's not a fortress anymore, she is not the be all and end all. You hear it's healthier that way, but not as satisfying when you need to call someone and you know that your mother cannot be depended on. "Healthier" doesn't cut it when you need to crawl into a ball and be babied because your day was horrible and you know that your mother can't do it. Realize then, that it's not a question of a healthy perspective of this woman, but you have to accept that she cannot relate to you anymore. Not if you are 20 years old. Not if you have different ideals. Not if you are you.
So take her out to dinner, listen when she talks, nod, smile, and look at that picture so you remember how much she loves you.
The giant she was is gone, but you did not slay her.