so big!

Yesterday we moved into our new building. It has three floors and a tower at the top. There are four girls in my room including me because maybe Katy felt more comfortable with us than with Cianni and Infinite. I don't mind so many people, but the people at the ashram would like us to have at the most three people to a room.
Everyone went to the tower to see the view and Cianni asked us what it made us think. Malika said "It makes you not doubt coming here; makes you glad that you came." When it came to me, I had to echo her.
Because, what am I sad about? Missing Demetrius, of course, but what do I have to be happy about?? Seeing and experiencing this country, seeing him again, and there is not a lot to be sad about because I know he loves me and I know I feel the same. And we are strong and so is what we have. But, I'll be honest, yesterday I couldn't take a nap because hugging the pillow was a pitiful substitute for hugging him. So, I gave up, cried a little, and luckily we moved into the new building five minutes after.

Siddhartha asked us that afternoon if we wanted to go to an Indian wedding reception around seven. Everyone was very enthusiastic about it and as soon as we got settled in, Taylor took bathed and I did so after her. We had to be ready by four thirty to go to a tree rememberance ceremony and then go to the reception.
The lovely four chicas in my room were ready first and John drove us to the field where the ceremony would be taking place. He said we could stand in the shade of a bale of hay while we waited. We made our way over there and he talked to us for a little while. He asked me about Emily, Yumiko, Demetrius. I said that I knew Yumiko was on the Southwest trip and I said Demetrius is the one who got me all wonderfully packed even though, since he's the one who packed the bag, I'm still figuring out where everything is. He said "Yumiko is an adventurous girl" and "Demetrius is a good packer" I don't know what the latter means.. Maybe he knows D's awesome packing skills by first hand or was being nice.
John walked over to where the ceremony was being readied by Indian men and women. The four of us felt ridiculous standing in the shade as if we were delicate/superior beings and we agreed to walk over.
Now, a Tree Rememberance ceremony is when a tree is planted at the grave of someone so as to complete the cycle of life, and remember them. John told us Siddhartha has encouraged this idea here so as to melt cultural tradition and a good environmental thing. So now people are planting more trees.
The rest of the group arrived shortly after and the ceremony was very nice and touching. I was a little uncomfortable because I wonder if the relatives and friends of this woman mind that we were standing there, taking part by throwing the dirt in the hole for the tree (under Siddhartha's urging), and not understanding what was going on. We all received tikkas (i think that's what the red dot is called) and were given a milk treat and a cracker. I couldn't finish the treat because I think it was the sweetest thing that has ever ever ever entered my mouth and i felt nauseous.
Malika and I walked back to the ashram together, very behind Hiro, Cindy, and some others. We had to walk through the village and since Malika was more dressed for a reception in a fitted short sleeved shirt and a knee length skirt, we got a lot of looks from men. I joked with her about it and she said "Honey, you're the white one, I just look like an outcast" She was born in South America and is part West Indian and everyone thinks she is a native. So, hey, maybe she was right.
We passed a little girl in a pretty red skirt and she said hi to us. We walked on further, turned around, and she was still there. So I made some funny "good bye" hand motions and she did the same. Hah, I think after awhile she was just making fun of us. Malika waved hello to a group of women and they were definitely laughing at her.
Gopi met us at the ashram and told us a route to walk in the mornings. He also taught us some Kannada!! I can only spell it as it sounds to me. Nay mah yesseray yay new. It means "What is your name?" And Na Na hesseray" means My name is.. I sang it to myself a little bit and I'm also tryhing to remember Nomascar.. which means Hello, Welcome. I am remembering it by saying No Mascara really fast. Does the trick. And I've created a way to remember the What is your name .. but it's too long winded to explain, but it works.. this is how i got to college. hehe.

Back at the ashram John broke the news that there was a strike by the Goods Providers and the roads were blocked to the reception. An hour later he said it was alright to go, so we headed out. I don't know why I wasn't wearing my seat belt, I should've died ten times last night, but they know what they're doing here. A couple of times we came an inch close to another car, person, animal.
That Lumps and Humps song by the Black Eyed Peas came on the radio and I had to laugh that of all songs... that song makes me miss Demetrius and be very sad. But I smiled, knowing he'd get a kick out of it too. I swear, I talk to him a lot in my head. Fuck, and here I am tearing up in the computer room. Room of Tears I called it to Bo and Malika this morning. They laughed. You have to.
So so so. ... i fell asleep in the car and when I woke up, we were back on our way to the ashram. The roads, it turns out, were still blocked. I went to bed without eating dinner...

And woke up this morning around seven to find Katy up too. So we went for a walk.. went the wrong way and ended up in a field and turned around. We passed a woman on the way back and I sad Nomascar and she smiled. I'm trying to get over feeling like a dumb tourist. John told us last night that they would not make fun of us for making an effort.
Katy and I went to check our emails when we got back and as I was walking up the stairs to the computer room a woman who works in the kitchen was walking into the entrance. I stopped on the tenth step up and stopped her and asked her her name. She smiled and said Jama. and said to me Nanu? I told her Kate. She said Thank you!! and shook my hand. That made me happiest of all today.

We are all growing very close here already. We have to. Yesterday at the tower someone made a comment on how we are all best friends now, family.. and how we have to be. I think everyone likes eachother. Some people think Katy hasn't warmed up to being here yet, but I know she just misses her home and her boyfriend. For her, a way of conveying that is being a little aloof at times or high strung... i actually can't explain it, but for me ... there's no mystery about it .. I get downright depressed sometimes and don't mind letting anyone know it. I figure they're all going through the same thing and if some of us are honest about it, maybe others will be too. I'm trying to keep an eye on Katy and make her happy here. If I can focus my attention on someone else ... I will have to pay less to myself. Although, I'm beginning to be confused about the purpose .. my purpose of being here... is it to become less self centered and focus on others more? To focus on myself and work through problems ... to... to what?!
But I love this group, though. I do. And I'm going to do what I can to make it a good group... to be a good presence here.


I have the digital part of my watch set to Jersey time. It's necessary and I look at it a lot. right now it's 11 pm over there .. and Demetrius is at work. My mom is watching the news. Nora might be out with Joe .. Rachel.. maybe sleeping soon.

Time .. time has been moving slowly. As if it's stopped. Yesterday felt like five. But we are not in a routine yet and tonight is our first lecture. Class helps pass time. Deadlines and homework give time structure and a finite end. On the plane ride I wondered if I had really understood the severity of four months away from home. Well, of course I did, I was crying about it constantly .... but now that I'm living it ..
Well, Katy and I both agreed we are anxiously looking forward to a point in this trip where we don't want to go home. I can say that a part of me doesn't want to already. Because I don't miss my home ... i miss the people. I miss my love.

I suppose I do have a way of looking past the situation to the actual point of the situation. Like, the situation here is that I am far away from D now (that's the part of the situation affecting me most, you see), but the point of this or maybe something that can be gotten out of it .. is a deeper understanding of myself, and for the two of us .. an understanding of eachother/what we have. And those last two things are .. awesome. i do understand that.

I know it's repetitive the way I keep talking about the point of things, what's actually good about being here, the good that can come out of it all, but it's necessary for girls like me who have been worrying about the sky falling or gramparents dying before she even made it to kindergarten. Throughout it all though, I know for certain that I have a good head on my shoulders and that at the end of the day ... it is good that I am here. and it is also not the end of it. Maybe the beginning.

And it's funny how just writing back to a blog comment I made makes me tear up and smile widely because it is communication with you. Direct communication. You responding to something I said. I might fudge my pants when an email comes along.

speaking of poo.... they have a great way of not using toilet paper here. This hose like thing ... I told Katy that she can keep the vibrator her boyfriend gave her, I've got my hose. Four months with Spicket.