On 1/9/06, Katie Brown wrote:

Dear Mia,
I gave Deepa a hug for you. she's as lovely as everyone said she is.
I'll be honest, I'm having a very hard time being here. And I know
where that's coming from... I'm not at home, I'm not with Demetrius,
I'm not doing things that allow me control. And now here I am away from
everything and I feel like things are out of my control. This has been
such a problem for me my whole life; to just accept what comes and what
is. It's fear of lack of control, fear of abandonment, fear that he
won't be there. <-- All of those not stemming from my relationship with
him, but my whole life .. certain instances that have caused this
reaction many times before. It makes me sad because I fear I won't be
able to enjoy this place. i talked to him on the phone last night and
it made things worse. I'm worse now, it seems. Why did you come to
India? I don't know why I came, but that doesn't matter so much because
this is the end result of a manifestation of many little things.

Everyone here is sad to be away from home, but I am the only one given
to cry at random moments..

love,
kate


Quoting Mia Cinque :

If Demetrius is the one, then you really better go through what you are
starting to go through- before you spend your life with him (if you spend
your life with him). Do you agree? If you don't face some of your issues
now, it will become difficult to know what things you are feeling are
because of demetrius and what things you are feeling are coming from a place
within which is still not understood by you.
I know it's tough, but I promise you it will get easier. It seems you will
have to face your hurts right in the face, and it won't be easy, but it is
not more than you can bear- I promise you..I PROMISE you. Ultimately it is
priceless and very worth it.
The very biginning is the scariest because you're like ' so this it what
it's gonne be like for four months?', 'so, this is what it'd gonne be
like'.....No, the first couple of weeks is not a good indication of what the
entire trip will be like. The beggining is definately tough. The fact that
you're having some difficulties is a good sign that you will benefit most
from this experience.
-Also..in my time at Fireflies none of the other students were as expressive
as I tend to be about my inner struggles. I'd say generally people keep
their inner battles unverbalized or even concealed. For example I didn't
find out how miserable Merideth was in India until way after we had come
back to the U.S. I am sure the other students are going a little crazy
too. How could you not? -Remember..? The way I described the beginning of
the trip was that we all had mental break downs, and then over the next few
months we rebuilt our psyches.
It is your desyiny to be where you are at this very moment. In life we have
about as much control as a person movinaing about in a train or an aircraft,
we can go anywhere in the train we want, but we have no control over where
the train is taking us. To think otherwise is to desive ourselves. The
most liberating act in the world is the act of submitting oneself to what is
outside of our control. It is something one can learn how to do. Oh how
much peace it brings when one can submit.
I am sending you my love.
mia


Dear Dear Mia,

I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for your words. I talked with Trent today and he said basically the same thing. It helped. The fear of the unknown (not knowing when i'll see him next) was/is paralyzing me. I say "is" because I am not foolish enough to think that just because two people said some wise and right things that I am all better.
You're right .. I was scared that this is how i'm going to be the whole time.
I am the only one openly crying and being ridiculous right now, but I know others are having a hard time. I am just the only one being so open with it. I lost the ability to fake a peaceful look or hold back tears a long time ago.
I have been finding peace in yoga and long talks with my new friend Katy. she laughs at my jokes. thank goodness.

peace,
kate




===== well that's in chronological order. Granted, I was a little emotional while writing and there's so much going through my head about everything and anything .. and no matter what, the message of Mia's email is the point. I think today was a productive day. I let a lot out and maybe I took one small step closer to myself.

this captures how I was feeling .. and her response is exactly what needs to happen. I had been feeling so panicked these past days ... Away from the familiar..
eh, i wish i could just talk to you. if you think i'm bad and roundabout at explaining myself in person... this method leaves a little to be desired. either way, i know you understand where i'm coming from.. having come from the same place yourself.

In other news Spicket is back... i'm surprised my lips even exist anymore.. i've been picking at them religiously. Letschert left finally. Siddhartha ended the session an hour early because we were all falling asleep or journalling. Tomorrow is a guy from Ireland. hurrah.
We watched FIRE tonight and I'm still kicking around ideas for my paper... Maybe how male socialization in India negatively effects men, thus effecting women since it is now a patriarchal society? my mind is still trying to wrap itself around itself... hm

My day of water fasting went very well. Gopi told Katy and I that we picked the wrong today. .. it's usually Monday or Thursdays or Fridays. I feel a little calmer .. I'm breathing easier too. although i think that has something to do with the yoga. it's become quite an outlet. Focusing on my breathing, something so fundamentally connected to my life and vitality.

Nine thirty... time for bed. And I'll probably be up by five a.m. again.

open and honest --
Kate