Tonight I'm going contra dancing. Tonight I will have to let my body move with a little more ease and succumb to the ebb and flow of rhythm and music. I will not have a nervous episode. I will have fun. I will be with someone I love.

I have every intention of buying a new outfit for tonight. Why? Because I am nervous and new things, while exciting and always important, scare the hell out of me. That's why I do them. If something makes my stomach seize up just a little bit and if I find myself biting my lip...that means I have to do it. There's a line, of course, but contra dancing does not cross it.
But spending is something I have to get a hold on. Last night I went to Shoprite after work and spent $25.05 in ten minutes. Fruit is good, but so perishable; almost making heavily preserved boxed goods attractive. So, strawberries in my cereal and a grapefruit in my backpack today.

And food. Something else to be controlled more, or at least my intake of it. Every day I start over, and it seems as if every night I'm planning how I will start over the next day. It's a horrible way to go to sleep and a scary way to wake up. Ten years. It makes me angry, but at who? Myself, there's only me.

I am almost done with D's scarf. I don't want to be done with it because knitting his scarf lets me think about him and be happy that I'm making something for him. I'll be done with it by Sunday, definitely and I'll get to give it to him either before or after potluck. All that has to be done is the embroidering of his initials (very small, hopefully) on the end of it.

creating something, tangible or not, ... beautiful stuff.