sense of security
unconditional love

Two things that we have been looking for and wanting since we were children.
In the backroom of Petco tonight, I was listening to NPR. A man was talking about this and how some people make good choices for meeting those needs, and others make poor ones. Also how if you don't feel unconditionally loved or safe as a child, you might look in the wrong places for those things later in life.
With a dog bone in my hand, I paused and thought about how I felt when I was little. And the truth is, everything felt conditional. If I messed up badly enough, Dad wouldn't be there anymore.
And safety... I remember how every now and then Dad would pack up his apartment and tell me he was moving soon, but he never did.. Not until I was 9 when he first left for Toronto to meet Heidi, then Florida to live with Heidi. No stability. I didn't trust myself to "behave" around him all of the time and I didn't trust him to love me anyway.


The one good thing about having been in therapy for x amount of the past months ... is that I'm realizing that not everything is my fault. And I don't have to make apologies or excuses for other peoples' behaviors.

however, coming to this realization doesn't stop others from being hurtful or me being deeply hurt by their actions.

I'm feeling too indignant and pissed off to finish.