Sense of communal living. I had to approach Kat today and somehow get across that I feel as if it's every woman for herself here in the apartment. And that in itself was very non communal of me. I was telling her and speaking as if she had to have the solution. She looked at me as if she didn't know what I wanted her to say. Did I want her to even have a solution? I definitely went into that stiuation thinking something would come out of it. All I'm left with is "I would like you to clean more" and "Well, I hate communicating in post-its"
I don't think I'd care if I wasn't faced with the fact that in two months I'll be living with ten other people and having to make it work. And that I always feel as if I have to be the great crusader .. the mature one who brings things up first.
We had potluck tonight, though. And after talking with Kat about "community" in the apartment and her telling me I need to clean more .. I found it somewhat appropriate that everyone left and I am cleaning by myself. So someone should have been considerate of the girl standing alone at the counter, but my question is always ...
How much can you think of other people before you forget to think about yourself? And if you're always making such an effort to be going out of your way because you have this thing you have to prove .. that you're fair minded, an egalitarian, .. That you're not all the people you hate .. if you're always trying to prove that .. how much of what you say is really you? Or is it just you trying not to be something you hate and still being something you aren't? I'll say it.. that a lot of my actions are consceince decisions I make to not be someone else.
It's easier to be a doormat because then no one looks twice at you. It's easy to be a woman and a doormat because you've been socialized that way and it's comfortable. I am comfortable tellling everyone to leave and not worry about me and have a good time.. The words fit me like old shoes.. And I keep patching up these holes. Whatever .. shitty metaphor, but sometimes I do work very hard to not see the truth in my actions / where they come from.. or the negative impact my actions have on me.
.. i have not had a cigarette in two months and when i watch people smoking on tv it's like porn.
I don't think I'd care if I wasn't faced with the fact that in two months I'll be living with ten other people and having to make it work. And that I always feel as if I have to be the great crusader .. the mature one who brings things up first.
We had potluck tonight, though. And after talking with Kat about "community" in the apartment and her telling me I need to clean more .. I found it somewhat appropriate that everyone left and I am cleaning by myself. So someone should have been considerate of the girl standing alone at the counter, but my question is always ...
How much can you think of other people before you forget to think about yourself? And if you're always making such an effort to be going out of your way because you have this thing you have to prove .. that you're fair minded, an egalitarian, .. That you're not all the people you hate .. if you're always trying to prove that .. how much of what you say is really you? Or is it just you trying not to be something you hate and still being something you aren't? I'll say it.. that a lot of my actions are consceince decisions I make to not be someone else.
It's easier to be a doormat because then no one looks twice at you. It's easy to be a woman and a doormat because you've been socialized that way and it's comfortable. I am comfortable tellling everyone to leave and not worry about me and have a good time.. The words fit me like old shoes.. And I keep patching up these holes. Whatever .. shitty metaphor, but sometimes I do work very hard to not see the truth in my actions / where they come from.. or the negative impact my actions have on me.
.. i have not had a cigarette in two months and when i watch people smoking on tv it's like porn.
posted by Kate at Sunday, November 20, 2005
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