saturday mornings

Final Soliloquy Of The Interior Paramour
-Wallace Stevens

Light the first light of evening, as in a room
In which we rest and, for small reason, think
The world imagined is the ultimate good.

This is, therefore, the intensest rendezvous.
It is in that thought that we collect ourselves,
Out of all the indifferences, into one thing:

Within a single thing, a single shawl
Wrapped tightly round us, since we are poor, a warmth,
A light, a power, the miraculous influence.

Here, now, we forget each other and ourselves.
We feel the obscurity of an order, a whole,
A knowledge, that which arranged the rendezvous.

Within its vital boundary, in the mind.
We say God and the imagination are one...
How high that highest candle lights the dark.

Out of this same light, out of the central mind,
We make a dwelling in the evening air,
In which being there together is enough.


Such restless nights filled with apprehensions and allergies. Dangerous mix. One gives your mind an excuse to over work itself, and the other keeps your body awake.
I have a lot of things to give away. For a girl with no money, I have a lot of possessions. I grab things on sale and on whim.
It's good that I'm leaving. Most of me doesn't want to go at random times throughout the day, but that is good too. I am exiling myself, cutting myself out of my life here and pasting Me across the globe. Let's convince the egoist that life will go on without her, but feed her desire to finally be the one Missed instead of the one Missing.

A list, though is being made .. Stuff I have to deal with. Remove yourself from anything familiar and all you're left with is You.
I wonder if there are people who consciously go around saying to themselves "I am worth something" the way I walk around touting my non existent self worth. Or do the people who don't do what I do... just not think about it? No, they must not think about it because upon examining yourself thoroughly I don't believe anyone could walk away with it unscathed and trodden down.
These are the people who don't let jealousy sprouting from insecurities ruin relationships and morning drives. People who don't push people they love away.

I learned a long time ago that being aware of your faults doesn't mean anything if you are not willing to change them.