As we drive down dark backroads, I'm holding his hand very tightly; stretching my fingers as far as possible, trying to encompass his hand with my tiny one. I don't feel big enough to house the emotions running through me. I love him.
*
These days past have been going by so fast, running by me all holding hands together, it seems. My room is full of things I don't need, but insist on keeping. I see India as being an experience that starts now, in the preperation. In the leaving, the goodbyes, the going, the cleaning out of old things to make room for the new.
I keep running through a list of things I have and who should have them. I have to remind myself I'm not dying. It feels like I am, but that makes sense. What else could it be like ... going to such a different place where I will be challenged and amazed? And how completely unknown it is... death..
My suspicion is that the Kate Brown I have come to know will be gone soon. I think I'm going to lose something important soon. Everything has been painfully vivid to me recently. Thanksgiving was felt ten x's over .. the warmth of my family, the comfort of their presence, no matter what underlying turbulence there may be.
I've been trying to verbalize my feelings about leaving for weeks, but I can't seem to make the thought "I'm leaving my life here for 4 months and I see that as disappearing completely/as some sort of death" make sense ... sound a little more poetic.
If all goes well, I will be reading this over in a couple of months and smiling at how dramatic I can.. always had a flare for it.
I feel nothing but dissatisfaction with how this is coming across.
I've been living in the apartment as best I can while pretending to live alone. The girls are wonderful, I must be a poor companion. Someone will cough and I won't say anything most of the time. Someone will sneeze and I force myself to say bless you. I sit at the table with one and bemoan the fact that I can't sit on the couch by myself and knit and eat and watch and think.
There's never anything to watch I haven't seen before and thinking has an effect on my body ... crushed under too much gravity.
*
These days past have been going by so fast, running by me all holding hands together, it seems. My room is full of things I don't need, but insist on keeping. I see India as being an experience that starts now, in the preperation. In the leaving, the goodbyes, the going, the cleaning out of old things to make room for the new.
I keep running through a list of things I have and who should have them. I have to remind myself I'm not dying. It feels like I am, but that makes sense. What else could it be like ... going to such a different place where I will be challenged and amazed? And how completely unknown it is... death..
My suspicion is that the Kate Brown I have come to know will be gone soon. I think I'm going to lose something important soon. Everything has been painfully vivid to me recently. Thanksgiving was felt ten x's over .. the warmth of my family, the comfort of their presence, no matter what underlying turbulence there may be.
I've been trying to verbalize my feelings about leaving for weeks, but I can't seem to make the thought "I'm leaving my life here for 4 months and I see that as disappearing completely/as some sort of death" make sense ... sound a little more poetic.
If all goes well, I will be reading this over in a couple of months and smiling at how dramatic I can.. always had a flare for it.
I feel nothing but dissatisfaction with how this is coming across.
I've been living in the apartment as best I can while pretending to live alone. The girls are wonderful, I must be a poor companion. Someone will cough and I won't say anything most of the time. Someone will sneeze and I force myself to say bless you. I sit at the table with one and bemoan the fact that I can't sit on the couch by myself and knit and eat and watch and think.
There's never anything to watch I haven't seen before and thinking has an effect on my body ... crushed under too much gravity.
posted by Kate at Wednesday, November 30, 2005
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